The Bear Attack

Christie, Doug, and Tammy sat in Tammy’s living room reminiscing about old times. These were Christie’s best friends. It started in High School and had lasted for almost fifteen years. Their careers had separated them by miles but Christie thought it was great when they got together. The conversation turned to their current lives.
“How’s your anxiety disorder? Has it been rough since you were attacked?” Tammy asked Christie.
Christie was shocked by Tammy abruptness in changing the topic to something so sensitive.
“It’s tough but I’ll be fine. How about your promotion?” She quickly changed the topic.
Tammy prattled on about her promotion and the interior designer she had hired.
“Look’s nice.” Christie wasn’t listening. She wondered if Tammy was different or had she always been this self-absorbed. Maybe I’m the one that changed, Christie thought. She interrupted Tammy when she finally paused long enough to take a breath between sentences and asked Doug a question.
“My job’s great but Dennis and I are starting our own business.” He went on telling them about his business plan and potential investors. When Doug started going into the esoteric details of business financing and the tax differences of different types of business models, she couldn’t listen to another word.
Christie lifted her glass. “Here’s to good friends and bright futures.”
Christie heard a loud bump coming from a back room. She jumped.

“Did you hear that?” Doug asked.

“Oh, did that scare you?” Tammy looked at Christie. “It’s probably nothing.”

There was a louder bump. Then another. They all stared at each other wide-eyed.

Christie’s mind whirled. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Is anyone else or a pet in here?”


The bumping continued.

Christie turned to Doug. “Do you have a pocket knife?”

He fished one out of his pocket. Instead of heading down the hall he handed it to Christie. She glared at him then flicked it open and headed down the hall herself.

“You’re going back there? What if it’s an intruder?” Tammy asked.
Doug also muttered some half-hearted protest.

“If there is an ax murderer back there, I’m not going to just sit here and wait for him to come kill us.” She turned and continued toward the back room.

Christie noticed neither of them followed her down the hall in case she needed help.
When she entered the room, she saw something move in the dark. She held the knife tightly as she flipped on the light. What she discovered was a large, slightly deflated Winnie-the-Pooh balloon floating in the air. It was tied to a chair but it had deflated just enough to put it in the path of the fan. The fan was pushing it against some books and knocking them to the floor one by one. She cut the balloon ribbon. Maybe all three of them had changed, Christie thought, or maybe they had just grown in different directions. It didn’t really matter because she just knew it was time for new friends.

She dragged the balloon to the living room and presented the culprit to Tammy and Doug.

“I just saved your pansy asses from a horrible bear attack.”

Bad Breaks

Daphne downed her third single malt then walked out the door before realizing she had forgotten her hat. She reached into her pocket for her key. It wasn’t there. She had also forgotten her key and her phone. Sara, her sister, had an extra key but with no phone, she couldn’t call her.

“Maybe those three drinks weren’t such a good idea,” she muttered. She checked the windows and doors. They were all locked. She picked up a landscaping rock and broke the back door window. The alarm blared as she reached in to open the door. Great, she thought, the one thing I remembered was to set the stupid alarm. Before she could even open the door, two policemen arrived.

“Evening officers.” she slurred. “Sorry to bother you. I just locked myself out of my house.”

“You have some Identification to prove this is your house?”

“It’s inside with my key and my phone which is why I broke the window, duh.”

“Sure it is,” one officer said. “Is there a neighbor who can vouch for you?”

“I just moved here and they don’t know me.”

Daphne turned to the other and placed her hand on his face. “You believe me don’t you cutie pie?”

Before she realized what was happening, they were handcuffing her.

“We’re going to have to take you downtown,” the older officer said as he clicked the last cuff.

“Great! I love shopping downtown. There are some great stores there. These silver bracelets are nice but I prefer gold.”

“You sure are cocky for someone in your position,” the older cop said.

“What? What? A girl doesn’t have the right to break her own damn window?”

“Let’s see here. What charges do we have?” the older cop asked his partner.

“I’d start with breaking and entering.”

“That’s a good place to start and public intoxication. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, nice one partner.”

“I was in my own yard! That’s not public,” said Daphne a little louder than she realized.

“Didn’t she touch your face?” the older one asked.

“Oh yeah, yeah she did. Does that qualify for assaulting an officer?”

“I think it might.”

“I barely touched you dammit.”

“Lewd language. Does that qualify?” the younger cop asked.

“I’ll have to check into that but we’ll count it for now.”

“I can’t believe this shit,” Daphne mumbled.

“What was that?” the older cop asked.

“Nothing.” Daphne fell silent after that.

“I like that sound,” the older cop said.

“Silence is nice.”


After the mug shots and the fingerprints, Daphne sobered up.

“Anyone you want to call?” they asked.

“My sister’s number is on my phone in my house!” She was so shaken up that she couldn’t remember it.

They passed the men’s cell as they led her toward the women’s cell.  It was full and there was vomit on the floor. She started to panic.

“I remember Sara’s number.”


“You owe me. What happened?” Sara asked as they left the station.

“It’s a long story. Please just take me home.”

Sara walked Daphne into her home. As Daphne looked around, she realized someone had used the broken window to get in and steal all of her valuables.

“I think you need to get your window fixed and call the cops,” Sara said.

Daphne just stared at her.

Monkey Business

I gazed around the dump that doubled as an apartment and office on this godforsaken planet on the outer edge of the galaxy and asked myself for the hundredth time what the hell I was doing here. The “Killer Monkey” was a ridiculous moniker the news agencies had given the monster responsible for a hundred kills.

My bounty hunting business was hurting. The bonus on this killer was too big to pass up. His M.O. was always different and he was so elusive. I tapped out my credits on a hunch he would strike here next. I saw a pattern.

The monster had a penchant for bounty hunters. Another detail overlooked. Only twenty of his kills had been bounty hunters. I believed they were his targets. The other kills were to draw them out.

I headed to the local bars that night. I hit everyone within walking distance dropping my name and my business. Walking back I felt uneasy. I could feel someone or something watching me but I made it back to my apartment.

There was a knock on my door. I laughed when I saw a purple toy monkey sitting there. Someone’s idea of a joke, I thought. I started to close the door when the toy morphed into a seven-foot purple monkey with a blaster.

I dove behind my desk as it fired the first shot. I fired two shots hitting him center mass. It didn’t slow him down. I fired again hitting him between the eyes. He went down but he was still moving. I approached him kicking away his blaster. I fired three more shots to his head. He stopped moving. I bound him anyway.

Then I said out loud, “No one is going to believe this shit.”

This started out at about 400 words but I had to shave off about 100 words to enter it into a contest. Guess what…I won!


Julie sat on a rock at the edge of the lake. The moon was almost full. She could clearly make out most of the surrounding area without using the flashlight she had used to travel through the wooded area to get here. The moonlight glistened off the ripples in the lake. The gentle lapping of the waves against the shore was normally a soothing sound to Julie but it did nothing to calm her nerves tonight. She was here to buy a gun.

She visibly shook as she recalled the brutal beatings she had suffered at the hands of her ex-husband. She thought she was finally safe until she had spotted him hanging around the office where she worked and her apartment. He’s an FBI Agent. I should have known it would be hard to hide from him.

She had made arrangements through a friend of a friend of a friend to buy a gun off the grid for protection. If she had gone through normal channels, she feared her ex-husband would have ways to find out.

Julie checked her watch. The seller was late. Fog began to roll in off the lake and soon she could barely see anything. She switched on her flashlight but in the thick fog, the light really didn’t help much. She was turning and shining the light around when she thought she saw a figure in the fog. It looked like a man but it had a peculiarly shaped head with eyes that protruded out of its head. Then it disappeared. I’m starting to imagine monsters. This was a bad idea. It’s time to get out of here.

She was trying to get her bearings when she felt something slide around her neck and start to tighten. Her left hand flew to her throat and she felt a small rope. Her metal flashlight was still firmly grasped in her right hand. She could hear the man behind her breathing so with every bit of strength she had, she swung the flashlight over her left shoulder aiming for his head. She heard a very satisfying crack as the flashlight made contact. The rope loosened and she turned and kneed her attacker in the groin.

As he collapsed on the ground, she saw her attacker was wearing night vision goggles. She placed the heel of her boot firmly on a very sensitive part of his body. He groaned and clutched at her foot. She shined the flashlight directly into his goggles. He shrieked and ripped them off. Julie pressed down even harder with her boot heel.

“I suppose you didn’t even bring a gun,” Julie stood over him clutching the flashlight like a club.

He shook his head no as he continued to moan.

“So you were just going to kill a woman for a few hundred dollars?”

He just gave a loud groan as she pressed down even harder with her boot.

“If you want to leave with all your body parts intact, I suggest you get the hell out of here now.” She lifted her boot and listened to him run, tripping repeatedly, and yelping as he made his way back through the woods without a light. She heard a car door slam, a car engine roar to life, and the noise of tires squealing as he peeled out of the parking lot.

Julie sighed with relief and then chuckled softly as she picked up the night vision goggles that were left behind. She threw them in the bag with her money and twirled her flashlight like a gunslinger would twirl his gun. I don’t need a gun. All I need is a good sturdy flashlight.

As Julie made her way back to her car, she smiled and whispered to herself, “I am a survivor.”

The debate over gun control issues still rages on in the US. It’s a difficult topic to resolve for a multitude of reasons. I grew up on a ranch in rural Texas and guns were a necessary part of that life. As small children, my siblings and I got into all sorts of crazy situations like running through the woods barefoot and hopping over rattlesnakes. We learned to escape raging bulls by becoming experts at sliding through barbed wire fences. I could go on but you’ve got the picture.
We never touched the guns that were always around. Never. Until we were deemed old enough that my Dad taught us how to shoot and have a very healthy respect for the damage they could cause.
As an adult, I didn’t own a gun for years but I was given one by a relative for self-protection. A few years later I found myself staring down the barrel of that loaded gun. It was was in the hands of a man that I trusted. I managed to get away and call the police. I handed that gun over to the police and told them I wanted it destroyed.
I now have two new techniques for self-protection. A steaming hot cup of coffee thrown in the face of an attacker can buy you time to get to safety. The next weapon in my arsenal is my trusty 9 iron golf club. It’s far superior to a baseball bat based on physics.

If you liked this post, or even if you hated it. please leave a comment! If you have questions or comments on the physics regarding baseball bat vs, golf club, please leave a comment.

All in a Day’s Work

Billy had just arrived at the work sight in the dump truck. There was a rumble overhead and suddenly fish began to fall from the sky. The workers ran for cover while Billy sat safely in the cab of the truck. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened as he watched with astonishment.

There weren’t just a few fish. There was a ton of fish. The fish continued to fall for a full ten minutes or maybe more. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped.

The crew peered out from the places they had sought shelter. Finally, they began to emerge one by one.  They carefully stepped over and around the fish which were strewn across the work sight while staring up at the sky warily.

Billy got out of his cab and then noticed the back of the dump truck was full of fish. They were still alive and flopping around. He turned to the foreman and said “I’m not picking up any gravel today. I’ve got fish to sell. Where’s the closest place to buy ice?”


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